


like a river flows surely into the sea

by pentateen



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, Jinho is sad, M/M, did i mention this is angsty, hui is supporting, no one dies tho so that's good, really it's an angst fest, shinwon is literally mentioned once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 03:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16400591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pentateen/pseuds/pentateen
Summary: jinho loved hongseok still, maybe even more than back then. he loved him with a burning fire inside of him, a fire that hurt him more than it kept him warm.-----or the one in which jinho has been in love with hongseok for ten years and chooses the worst moment to finally confess.





	like a river flows surely into the sea

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if this style has a special name, but everything is written in lowercase.  
> if you want listen to can't help falling in love by hailey reinhardt while reading. it was mostly inspired by that (and yes i know it's a cover).
> 
> enjoy hghaf.

in many ways, it was jinho’s own fault.

it was his fault he was standing here, here in this room filled with people, some of them his friends, some of them acquaintances, some of them strangers.

weddings were supposed to be fun, weren’t they? weddings were supposed to make people happy. at a wedding you were supposed to watch the bride walking down the aisle as this bride did right now. walking down the aisle with her father holding her hand as she had her arm wrapped around his. the bride so bright and happy, so beautiful.

yes, that’s what you were supposed to do.

but jinho didn’t do that. he didn’t watch the bride. he didn’t see the smile on her face, the tears ready to fall, tears of joy.

jinho didn’t see her. in fact, he didn’t see anyone except this one person.

he just saw him.

just saw him in his suit looking so, so handsome.

just saw him with his cute ears that were kind of sticking out from his head.

just saw him smiling, tears glinting in his eyes.

him, who was waiting for the bride to arrive.

him, who was about to get married.

him, who he had been in love with for ten years.

his best friend.

yang hongseok.

 

it happened slowly. crept up on him really. suddenly he had fallen for his best friend, had fallen so hard he was sure he had hit his head on the way. there was nothing jinho feared more than this, this feeling of knowing he was hopeless, his feelings were stupid, and this little glimpse of possible happiness was starting to fade away in the distance.

in his mind, jinho had already started to plan the continuation of his life, the obvious end all of this would take. he would never get the boy he loved. and the boy he loved would get married and live happily ever after.

he had not told anyone about it, especially not hongseok. especially not him. he couldn’t. there was no hope, hongseok didn’t even like boys. jinho was sure.

he had not told anyone, but he had been figured out by one person.

it had been hwitaek that had said it one night.

“you love him, don’t you?”, his voice had been more secure than he had felt.

jinho had felt caught off guard and had just stared at his friend.

 

and then he had started to cry.

hwitaek had been shocked, he had excepted some kind of reaction, sure, but not this. not jinho crying like he had never seen him cry before, tears streaming down his face with no end in sight.

something about finally talking about it had snapped inside of jinho that day.

he had cried in hwitaek’s arms, had held onto him for what felt like hours and probably even were hours. hwitaek had not complained because that’s something he never did.

hwitaek had kept him close, had caressed his hair and kissed the top of his head.

“it will be okay, hyung, I promise it will be okay”, he had whispered.

and jinho had answered that “no, hwitaek, it will never be okay.”

 

jinho loved hongseok still, maybe even more than back then. he loved him with a burning fire inside of him, a fire that hurt him more than it kept him warm.

 

when hongseok had told them all he had met someone he liked, jinho had acted as if he was happy for him. because what kind of best friend would not be happy for his best friend when he found someone he loved?

when hongseok had brought hana over for the first time, jinho had welcomed her with open arms.

when hongseok had proposed to hana, jinho showed nothing but smiles.

 

the true art in lying lies in being able to make it so believable that a part of you believes it too.

at some point jinho even thought he had gotten over hongseok. but then hongseok had smiled at him again, had laughed at something he had said.

and jinho saw it again, the sparkle in hongseok’s eyes, the true happiness that jinho so desperately wished he could feel as well.

hongseok was truly a work of art, a beautiful human being with nothing but love for everyone around him. hongseok was everything jinho ever wanted to be and so much more.

and that was why jinho could never get over him.

 

on a day in spring, hongseok had asked jinho to be his best man and jinho had said yes because that’s what a best friend does.

“there is no one else that I want to be my best man, hyung. you’re truly… you’re truly my best friend. I know you’re older, but- “, jinho had interrupted him with a wave of his hand and a shake of his head.

“you know I never really cared about that, hongseokie. of course, I’ll be your best man, there is nothing I would enjoy more.”

except, he thought, to be the one you wed.

 

it had been the bachelor party when jinho realized that this friendship needed to come to an end for jinho to start living his life for himself rather than for hongseok.

 

_“hyung, you know I love you, right?”, hongseok is drunk off his ass and he is looking at jinho with glossy eyes, lips wet from the drink he just gulped down in one go._

_“of course, hongseokie. now, shall we get you some water?”, the club is crowded, but they can still have a conversation like this if they’re close enough. jinho doesn’t like to be this close to hongseok though. he can smell him perfectly like this, smell his aftershave mixed with a bit of sweat and this special smell hongseok just_ has. _it smells like_ him. _jinho loves hongseok’s own smell, loves that it makes him feel comfortable, almost as if it’s tugging him in. he loves to put his head there in the crook of hongseok’s neck, loves to smell it, very carefully without being noticed._

_“no, I don’t want water, hyung, I want some more of that delicious cocktail shinwon brought me earlier!”, hongseok lifts his head, probably looking for the younger boy, but he is nowhere to be seen. in fact, it seems like all their friends have magically vanished into thin air._

_“I don’t think that’s a good idea”, jinho sighs and gets up, taking hongseok’s arm and helping him up. confusion strikes hongseok’s face and jinho gives him a warm smile._

_“we should get you home, what do you say, honkie?”, hongseok giggles at the mention of his nickname and jinho hates that his heart starts to flutter and every fiber in his body tells him to kiss the man, tells him to touch his face and caress his cheek._

_“but it’s still so early, hyung”, a pouting hongseok is never a good hongseok, jinho knows that best, and so he just shakes his head and grabs for their jackets, before leading hongseok to the exit._

_they stay quiet for the whole walk to hongseok and hana’s apartment. jinho is surprised hongseok hasn’t complained even once. looking over at his friend he sees that he is caught up in his own thoughts._

_“penny for your thoughts?”, it’s dumb, really, because hongseok is wasted beyond words but he asks anyway._

_“do you know what’s funny, hyung?”, hongseok doesn’t answer his question or maybe he does, jinho isn’t so sure yet._

_“no, but I’m sure you’ll tell me”, he answers._

_“I’m getting married in three days while you have been alone for… well, for all the time I’ve known you, hyung. why is that?”_

_it’s not like that topic hasn’t come up before. of course, hongseok had tried to hook jinho up before, but jinho had always said that it just didn’t fit after one date because there just was no one else for him than hongseok. he would never tell him that, obviously._

_“ah, hongseokie, you’re drunk”, he just laughs at the question and looks at the night sky, sees the many stars shining so brightly for them._

_“I might be drunk, hyung, but I also know that you’ve been lonely! all of us are in relationships and you… you’re alone, hyung. I’m worried about you.”_

_this hurts more than it probably should. jinho just sadly smiles to himself and shrugs, not looking at his friend._

_“don’t worry about me, hongseok-ah. I am fine, I have always been fine.”_

_the true art of lying lies in being able to make it so believable that a part of you believes it too._

_“do you not like anyone, hyung?”, jinho doesn’t notice that tone in hongseok’s voice._

_“no. no I don’t like anyone right now.”_

_and that’s not even a lie. because being in love is worlds away from just liking someone._

_they arrive at the apartment and hongseok types in the code, signaling jinho to be quiet as hana is probably already asleep. jinho just nods and follows him inside._

_the apartment is dark and hongseok was probably right about his fiancé being asleep. hongseok turns on the light in the living room and basically collapses onto the couch the second he comes close to it._

_jinho can’t help but smile, quickly walking over to the fridge, getting out a bottle of water. he then proceeds to go over to hongseok on the couch, whose eyes are closed while his mouth his hanging open a little._

_jinho sits down on the floor next to him, placing the bottle on top of the small table on his other side._

_looking at hongseok sleeping has always been relaxing to jinho. seeing his perfect face, his slightly puffy cheeks, his pretty shaped lips._

_jinho’s eyes linger on them for a moment or maybe more than a moment. at least long enough for him not to notice that hongseok has opened his eyes again._

_it’s not until jinho hears hongseok’s voice that he realizes the younger is still awake._

_“do you want to kiss me, hyung?”, something in his voice shows that he wants this to sound like a joke, like a tease. but another part is just… completely sincere._

_jinho’s eyes shoot up and he opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out._

_hongseok’s gaze meets his and jinho wants nothing more than to run his hands over the youngers face, to kiss his lips with his own, to feel his tongue inside his mouth._

_“I should probably get going”, jinho croaks out somehow._

_“probably”, hongseok’s eyes seem to be investigating jinho. they scan his face and he is flghtly frowning, as if he was trying to figure out what to make out of this situation._

_“but you didn’t answer my question”, he then continues and jinho feels his heart sink as it skips about seven beats._

_“what?”_

_“you didn’t answer my question. do you want to kiss me, hyung?”_

_jinho’s mouth feels dry and his head is spinning, but he isn’t sure if it’s because of the little bit of alcohol he had tonight or simply because of…him._

_the door to the bedroom opens and a sleepy hana comes out, busting out a smile once she sees them._

_“look who made it home in one piece!”_

_jinho leaves that night without answering hongseok’s question._

_and he doesn’t know the next day or the day after that or the day after that, if hongseok even remembers ever asking it._

 

jinho thought about not attending the wedding countless times. but every time he did, he shoved that thought away. he was hongseok’s best man and best friend, he couldn’t just not go.

so, he had decided to go no matter how much his heart hurt. he had made the right decision to eventually make a wrong one.

 

for a while jinho had tried to tell himself that seeing the one he loved happy was more than enough to be happy himself. for a while it had worked, but that while was long gone. now, he just wanted to get this wedding over with and slowly fade away from hongseok, from hongseok’s life as part of a newlywed couple.

once he went home that night it would be over, he would not call hongseok, he would not text him, he would pick up hongseok calls only sometimes. he had it all planned out. he just needed to survive this one night, just had to act as if everything was perfectly fine one more time.

 

the ceremony went by and jinho survived it. he didn’t jump up and didn’t scream when the minister asked if anyone had something against this marriage. jinho stood in his place next to hongseok and he didn’t say a single word. he just smiled, feeling hwitaek’s eyes burn a hole into his suit.

once this was over, jinho just had to hold on a little longer. as the best man he had to prepare a speech and he did so, of course he did.

 

they all went to a hall on the ground floor of the hotel and found their seats before eventually the freshly married couple came out, people clapping and cheering for them.

jinho watched as hongseok swirled his bride around on the dance floor, watched as he smiled that joyful smile, showing his rows of clean white straight teeth, eyes having their usual sparkle.

it wasn’t hard to remember why he had fallen for him in the first place, but it was hard to remember why he had never stopped.

as jinho watched the couple dance, he suddenly felt tired of all of this. of his life, of the feelings. and he realized once again that this needed to stop, that there was no hope, that there was only pain and so much of it.

just this one speech, just that one little speech he had prepared that was sitting expectantly in his front pocket.

“how are you feeling?”, hwitaek came to sit next to him and jinho presented him with a sad smile before he looked at the couple again.

“I could be better. but I’ll survive, hwitaek, I always do”, hwitaek put his hand on jinho’s knee and looked at him, eyes boring into jinho’s.

“if you wanna leave after your speech, I’ll gladly go with you, hyung”, he said and jinho laughed at that, no sign of joy on his voice though.

“don’t be silly. you’re gonna stay and I will too. at least for a little while.”

they both knew jinho was in pain. and they both knew hwitaek would follow once jinho left because that’s just the kind of person he was.

 

everyone had taken their seats and at least stuffed some of the food inside their stomachs when jinho got up.

his hands were slightly shaking as he started to reach for his front pocket to get the speech out, when suddenly his gaze met hongseok’s and he stopped in his movement.

hongseok’s eyes were still sparkling. hongseok’s face was still the most beautiful thing jinho had ever seen. hongseok was still the person he loved most on this earth.

it was then that jinho dropped his hand and cleared his throat, speech long forgotten in his pocket.

 

“hello everyone. in case you don’t know who I am, well, I am jo jinho, hongseok’s best friend of ten years. hongseok and I have been through a lot these past years, let me assure you. I’ve seen hongseok go through university, I’ve seen him fight with his words and fists. and hongseok has seen me struggle with so much stuff, has seen me at my worst, but he never left me. he always stayed right there by my side. today, hongseok got married to a beyond beautiful woman that I can call a friend as well”,

 jinho paused. he looked at hongseok and hana and a sad smile spread on his lips,

“hongseok has been a rock in my life ever since I met him. in fact, he has been a rock to all our friends. there is no one quite like him. he is not only kind and caring, sweet and giving, no, he is also very handsome and sweet, cute even. he is, in fact, the most beautiful human I have ever laid my eyes on. hongseok has always put himself before others and I would like to take this opportunity to tell you a little story about yang hongseok. when we were fresh into college, he had just visited about three classes that first semester of med school, when he had found this horribly injured kitten on campus somewhere. as many of you are probably aware – holding any kind of pet is prohibited on campus. but hongseok didn’t care because that’s how much of a cliché good guy he is. he took that cat with him into our dorm and cared for it until it was able to walk on its own, until it was able to live a normal life. he even looked for a family that would take it in. and, believe it or not, until this day he goes to visit this cat at least once a month.

in my eyes, I was kind of like that kitten. I still am, actually. hongseok has been caring for me for so many years and yet… yet I can’t really walk on my own. I can’t live a normal life without him, you know? I am the kitten hongseok has been caring for ten years now”, jinho paused, looking at hongseok who was silent on his chair. everyone was completely silent on their chair. but jinho only had eyes for that one man.

“now, this statement might raise some questions. like why I haven’t been able to walk without him. certainly, I am not in a wheelchair nor on crotches. so, why is it so hard for me to be without him? well, as you can all probably agree on, hongseok is an astounding person. the most astounding person on this planet, to be exact. he is… everything I ever wanted to be and so much more. I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help myself from falling so deeply in love with him that even now just standing here hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. and I want to say that I am happy, I really truly do. because I want to care about you more than I care about me and, I swear, I have been doing that for many years now. but now… now I can’t anymore. I can’t stand here and act like I am okay, when I am not. I wish the both of you the best of luck, I do. oh, and hongseok, one last thing: my answer to your question is yes. it has always been a yes.”

the room was still in complete silence when jinho left.

hongseok was sure that even if people weren’t silent he wouldn’t hear a thing except for jinho’s words ringing in his ears, repeating themselves over and over again.

the answer to his question was a yes.

“what question?”, hana asked. it was the first thing she said since jinho had left.

and hongseok looked over at her, saw her face, the eyes normally full of starts full of tears now.

he took her hand in his and choked down his own tears.

“I have no idea”, he replied finally.

 

_the true art of lying is being able to make it so believable you can almost believe it yourself._

_Take my hand, take my whole life too_ _  
For I can't help falling in love with you._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if I caused anyone any pain. I pained myself as well.


End file.
